Identity Crisis
by Chibi Rose Angel
Summary: He thought he was better than this. Now he's beginning to realize some battles aren't meant to be fought alone. Post Disordered.


_**Author's Notes**_: Disordered... Where do I even begin? It was slightly depressing but lighthearted. Does that make sense? First of all, much thanks and love goes to angelica186 because they were able to help me find the episode again on Youtube. The first time I saw Disordered, I heard all of the confessions but when it got to Robin? My television suddenly decided to freak out on me! That's why it took me so long to write this particular piece. I wanted to make sure I heard him right when he said he didn't want to be Batman. I really hope we get to see Bruce and Dick bond after what happened in Failsafe and Disordered but knowing our luck? Probably not. This time around, I wanted to expand just a litle bit more on Dick's feelings. His confession really got me and so did Conner's. I knew Kaldur would be upset about his perceived lack of leadership skills, Artemis would be paranoid about the others finding out her secrets and Wally would be in denial. That was so in character for them but Dick and Conner seemed to show so much emotion. I couldn't resist writing something for this episode! Currently, I don't have a beta so if you're interesting in working with me, please let me know. I promise I don't bite. As usual, italics will denote character thoughts and italics with quotation marks means I've lifted a scene and/or dialogue straight from Disordered. I couldn't think of an easier method. I figured if I used bold that would be going overboard. Hopefully this time, I managed to get everyone in character but if anyone seems OOC then I take full credit for it. I do want you guys to know that I like this version of Bruce in Young Justice because he seems to care more. That's what I've been trying to show in my stories so far. I know I'm a bit rusty but I would love to hear your thoughts. If you saw anything that needs work then by all means, I'm listening. Thanks in advance for reading my story!

_**Disclaimer**_: I don't own Young Justice or anything else associated with DC.

He was totally not feeling the aster. It was more like a disaster with heavy emphasis on the dis. At this point, he was sure he was one of those people that had rotten luck. Like no matter what he did, he was doomed or cursed. Every time something good happened, he was instantly on guard because good things never happened to him. He could always take the easy way out and blame everything on his city but everyone knew Gotham had the tendency to drive you mad. On one hand, he knew that was only true if you let the bad overcome the good. On the other hand though, he was seriously beginning to doubt his own sanity.

How could he possibly start having doubts now? After everything Bruce and Alfred did for him, this was how he repaid them. Second guessing himself and alienating himself from the people he loved most. He was pretty sure Bruce was probably thinking he was to blame for his current behavior. Alfred was probably dying to fix the problem but was far too polite to meddle in his business and he didn't even want to think let alone know what Wally thought. Even Barbara had noticed something was off but every time she tried to confront him about it, he would give her some lame excuse and then pretend as if everything was fine.

Tonight was an entirely different matter altogether.

He was currently seated at the dinner table and to say things were awkward would have been the understatement of the century. No one was speaking which should have been Bruce's first clue that something was wrong. Normally Dick had no problem talking about his day or questioning Bruce about his day at the office. Occassionally, Alfred might comment but not tonight. Dinner had been served in silence but Dick hadn't missed the glance Alfred directed towards Bruce.

_Any moment Bruce is going to look at me and ask if I'm okay or tell me we need to talk._ His eyes were glued to his plate and his throat felt dry.

He really wanted to talk to them and tell them what was on his mind but he couldn't. He was afraid of what they might say. And more than anything in this world, he couldn't deal with the disappointment. If it were anyone else, it wouldn't hurt nearly as much but to let the two of them down? That was something he never wanted to do but he knew it was inevitable. One way or another, you always hurt your loved ones whether you realized it or not.

"May I be excused please?" He muttered softly, still not able to look up at either of them.

Had he looked up, he would have noticed the exchange that occurred betwen Bruce and Alfred. It wasn't full of disappointment. Instead, it was more like a resigned look. The one you have when you're faced with making a really tough decision that you really don't want to make.

"Absolutely not Master Richard."

Dick's head snapped up when he heard the subtle disapproval in Alfred's voice. He was tempted to ask why couldn't he leave when he noticed that Bruce wasn't at the table anymore. One look at Alfred's face and he knew the dreaded moment had finally come. He gulped as he suddenly wished he had just gone to Bruce when he had the chance. At least Bruce would have given him time to think about what he wanted to say. With Alfred, he was going to have be completely honest. Vague or implied answers wouldn't work with him.

Dick could only watch in unease as Alfred sat down next to him and pinned him with his very own version of the Batglare.

_Now I know where Bruce learned it from._ The thought amused him briefly before he looked away again.

"Master Richard? Would you be so kind as to direct your attention towards me?"

Slowly, Dick turned his attention back towards Alfred. He knew how much it killed Dick to sit still for too long let alone how uncomfortable he could get if someone stared at him for too long.

"Now that I have your attention sir, what has you so troubled lately?"

All sorts of choices raced through his head but none of his options were very appealing. He couldn't lie to Alfred to save his skin and he couldn't tell him nothing was wrong. Both options would have landed him in hot water but there was no way he was going to crack that easily. He was the Boy Wonder!

Smirking slightly, Dick did what anyone else in his situation would have done. He opted to go with denial.

"What makes you think that Alf? I just haven't been feeling the aster lately. Juggling school, Robin and Young Justice can be pretty whelming but I'm okay." His voice sounded strange even to his own ears so he could only imagine what Alfred must be thinking.

_He is totally on to you Grayson! There's no way Alfred is buying that. But at least it wasn't a complete lie. I just omitted certain facts._

Alfred raised an eyebrow. "Would you like to try again Master Richard?"

_Damn it! How did he get so good at reading me? Wait... Years of practice with Bruce. Why me?_

Dick sighed softly while he ran one hand through his hair. "I just... It's embarrassing. Are you sure you want to know?" He questioned hopelessly.

Without missing a beat, Alfred said the one thing that brought down all of his defenses. "My dear boy. Why wouldn't I want to know? There will never be a moment where I don't have time for you, Master Richard."

Dick sighed again once he realized he really wasn't going to get out of this situation. "You know how the Justice League asked Black Canary to talk to us about what happened?"

Alfred nodded.

Dick crossed his arms over his chest as he thought back to exactly what he told Dinah.

_"Hurting? Try traumatized. I finally become leader and wind up sending all of my friends to their deaths. I, I know I did what I had to. But I hated it. When we started this team, I was desperate to be in charge. But not anymore. And that's not even the worst of it. You... You can't tell Batman."_

_"Nothing leaves this room."_

_"I always wanted... expected to grow up and become him. And the hero bit? I'm still all in. But that thing inside of him? The thing that that drives him to sacrifice everything for the sake of his mission? That's not me. I, I don't want to be the Batman anymore."_

"I don't know how much Bruce has told you about what happened but I made some really bad decisions. Those choices led to my whole team getting killed not to mention I had to watch Bruce die. I couldn't do anything to help him but with my team? I willingly made the choice to kill them. I thought of every possible scenario and none of them ended with us making it out alive. I just..." He trailed off, looking lost and uncertain.

Alfred never moved. He knew this was only the beginning.

"I know the training exercise wasn't real. Bruce told us that before we even went in but it still didn't hurt any less when I saw the Batwing explode. I didn't even have time to grieve for him. I was just going through the motions as if I hadn't just watched my mentor die. I didn't know if you or Barbara were safe and I was forced to pick the world over my own feelings. In the back of my mind, I kept telling myself none of this was real but why am I still bothered by all of it? Why am I suddenly doubting myself?"

He could hear the anger spilling over into his words but he couldn't help it. Why did he always have to be the strong one? Why did he always have to keep it together for the sake of everyone else? Wasn't he allowed to have a selfish moment every now and then? He never got the chance to answer those questions because he felt the words coming out of his mouth before he could stop them.

"If that's what I have to look forward to when I grow up then I don't want to be like him. I can't just shove my feelings aside and pretend as if they're not there. I can't send my friends off to their deaths and act as if it doesn't bother me. That's not me. I can't live up to his expectations Alfred."

That last part of his tirade was said so softly, Alfred had to strain to hear it. Once the words finally sunk in for both of them, Dick jumped up from his chair, looking like the frightened nine year old boy he used to be. Alfred, however, remained calm and simply laid a hand on Dick's shoulder.

"Those are legitimate concerns Master Richard but you mustn't blame yourself for what happened."

"But Alfred, how can I not? If I had bothered to think things through..." He would have continued had Alfred not interrupted him.

"A wise man once said you can't change the past but the future? That's something entirely different. Master Richard, whether or not you believe me, the events that took place were not your fault. That protocol was meant to show you how to deal with failure. Under the circumstances, I believe you did very well, however, you need to speak with Master Bruce."

"After everything he's done for me... How can I face him now? How can I look him in the eye when I feel this way? He doesn't deserve to have such an ungrateful son."

The heartbreak on Dick's face almost made Alfred lose his nerve but he knew he had to see this through to the end. "It is not my place to say this but Master Bruce once asked me if he did the right thing by making you his partner. Do you know what I told him?"

Dick shook his head.

"I told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life. I tried to make him see reason but he was unconvinced. I spent many a night trying to convince him to let you have a normal life but he would hear none of it. He told me that if he didn't help you, you would grow up to be just like him. He went on to say that you deserved better in life and he would make sure you never turned out like him."

"I don't understand Alfred. What was he trying to tell you?" The confusion was thick in his voice.

Alfred stood up and began to clear the table. "As I said previously, it is not my place to tell you. I believe this is something Master Bruce needs to tell you but I will tell you this much. Some battles are not meant to be fought alone."

Alfred was almost knocked over by the hug Dick gave him. He couldn't help the small smile that came to his face as he watched his youngest charge rush out of the room, clearly on his way to Bruce's study.

Turning back around towards the table, one thought went through his mind. _I have done my best Master Bruce. The rest is up to you._


End file.
